Poem: Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to me!

It’s about as bad as it can be

 

A little older

A little balder

A little rounder

A little softer

 

Supposed to grow wiser

But I’m only more aware.

Of all the damage done

And how life is so unfair.

 

I have yet to find a partner

Who will love me as I am.

But I’m not sure I’m capable

Of being a different man.

 

So I plod along believing

That I’m a pretty good guy.

But others seem to think

That’s a big fat ugly lie.

 

Thirty-eight years it’s been

And yet I’m still so lost.

I’ve tried to forge my own way

But it seems a tremendous cost.

 

I feel that somehow I’m alone

Though many are around me.

Because I’ve endured great pain

And I don’t feel I can be free.

 

From those who take advantage

Of a person with many scars.

They come to me with smiles,

Just to swallow me in their dark.

 

Another birthday, another year.

Another disappointment, another tear.

 

Happy Birthday to me.

I’m as low as I can be.

 

Escaping the Abyss: Part 3

Escaping the Abyss (Part 1)

Escaping the Abyss (Part 2)

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One day Mother left to go to a party. She left Father in charge of Nanku.

By this time, Nanku was already learning that Father could get very angry. Father got angry at sounds especially. He got angry if Nanku played too loud. He got angry if Nanku cried. He got angry if Nanku ate food too loudly. Father got angry a lot.

With Mother gone, Father fed Nanku and then put him in the bath and began running the water. Father was busy watching the Kings play hockey so he was sitting in the hall so he could still see the TV.

The water began filling the tub and Nanku just sat comfortably in the warm water enjoying his bath. Father continued to watch the hockey game.

Eventually the water filled the tub near the top and Nanku wasn’t tall enough to hold his head above the rim of the bath. He stretched his head and figured that Father would eventually look back and see how high the water was. He did not look.

The water filled higher and Nanku was barely keeping is mouth high enough to breath. He stretched his neck out and held his head high but he could not hold it higher. He wanted to call out to Father and tell him that the water was high and he could hardly continue breathing but he was afraid.

“What if Father got angry?” Nanku wondered. “I don’t want to make Father angry.”

Nanku held his head as high as he could and when the water had reached his chin and threatened to drown him his heart raced but his fear of making Father angry was stronger than his will to live so he said nothing and made no noise.

Finally, with only moments remaining until Nanku would not be able to breath, Father turned and saw how high the water was. He laughed and stopped the water while letting some out of the tub so that Nanku could breathe without struggle.

Father laughed about how close Nanku was to drowning in the tub and even told Mother when she came home though she did not find it funny.

For all the rest of his days, Father laughed and bragged about how close Nanku was to drowning that day. The boy never told Father how absolutely terrified he was and how conflicted he was about which was worse, making Father angry, or drowning.

Escaping the Abyss (Part 2)

Part 1

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The mother pulled Nanku to her home. It was small and dank and smelled of betrayal. Nanku looked upon it eyes wide and lip trembling.

“This is your new home,” Mother beamed. “You will be happy here.”

Mother dragged Nanku inside where a large bear of a man, covered in hair, sat on a couch.

“This is Father,” Mother declared. “He will protect you.”

“Oh who is this you found?” Father wondered leaning forward and studying the small boy.

“This is Nanku. He belongs to us now. I found him alone in the woods and brought him home.”

“Alone in the woods? That isn’t good. It is well that Mother found you and brought you here.”

“But I wasn’t scared in the woods. I was happy and free there,” explained Nanku.

“Nonsense!” bellowed Father. “You’ll be much safer here with us. I will protect you and Mother will care for you. You will be far better off with us.”

Nanku could not see how he was better with them and he longed for the safety of the woods but he shrugged and whispered, “If you say so.”

“Very well!” Mother cried, “We’re a family now! Sit here with Father while I go and work on dinner.”

Nanku nodded. He looked over at Father. He was sitting on the couch watching hockey. He climbed up onto the couch and sat next to him. The man hardly seemed to notice.

“What is this?” Nanku wondered.

“Hockey son.”

“And who is playing?”

“The Kings and the Oilers.”

“How does it work?”

Father’s brow scrunched and he glared at the young boy who’s eyes were wide as he gazed up at father. “Listen, son, I’m trying to watch this game. Stop with all the questions.”

Nanku looked down into his lap and lowered his head. “Ok, I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s fine, just don’t do it again.” Nanku nodded and then sat quietly trying to sort out the sport on his own. He was a clever boy and soon he was making sense of the spectacle. He gathered that Father was routing for the Kings on account that he kept cursing them for apparently not performing very well. He also figured out some of the rules of the sport. He did not dare say another word however, especially when Father got angry and was yelling at the television. He just held very still and barely breathed until the storm of Father’s anger subsided.

“Is this the person who is supposed to protect me?” Nanku wondered. “He seems very scary like an angry monster.”

And so he was.

Escaping the Abyss (Part 1)

As a way to process a bunch of BS, I thought I would try to write a fable like story. It might be a bit choppy and unrefined but I’m not worried about that. I’m trying to redeem experiences and hurt. Here’s the first part…

One day there was a young boy happy and healthy playing in the woods. The boy often played in the woods. He loved to pretend he was a knight protecting the innocent and fighting monsters. He loved to watch the animals of the forest and to feed them bits of bread or nuts. He was a boy filled with kindness, hope and love. His name was Nanku.

Nanku was playing when a woman found him in the woods. The woman was blond and young and had a soft voice that was warm to Nanku’s heart.

“Hello little boy,” the woman called, “what are you doing here in the woods all alone?”

Nanku looked up at the woman and smiled, “Oh, I’m just playing in the woods.”

“But it isn’t safe out here alone. You could get hurt.”

“No one has ever hurt me out here. The animals are nice. The woods feel safe.”

“Oh no! These woods are not safe at all. People could hurt you. Animals could hurt you. You can’t stay here by yourself. You should come with me.”

“But why? I feel fine here playing in the woods. No one has ever hurt me before.”

“But you have no idea how much danger you are in. You need to come with m. What’s your name?”

“I’m Nanku.”

“Nanku? What a funny name that is. Come with me,” the woman stated as she reached out and grabbed Nanku’s hand and began to pull him from the woods where he was safe and happy. “You may call me Mother and you will be happy with me now.”

Nanku looked back to the woods and a tear formed in his eye and ran down his face. He would never return to the peaceful woods where he could be happy and play. He was being taken to the Abyss.

Poem: I loved you

I loved you,

When I first met you.

I loved you,

Our first night together.

I loved you,

On our first romantic trip.

I loved you,

When we laughed and joked.

I loved you,

When we were together.

I loved you,

When we were apart.

I loved you,

When we broke up.

I loved you,

When you called me names.

I loved you,

When you hurt me so.

I loved you,

When you hit me.

I loved you,

When you mocked me.

I loved you,

When you tried again.

I loved you,

When we got back together.

I loved you,

When you wanted to marry.

I loved you,

When you lied to me.

I loved you,

When you cheated.

I loved you,

When you made accusations.

I loved you,

When you left.

I loved you,

When you came home drunk.

I loved you,

When you treated me like dirt.

I loved you,

When my heart broke at last.

Now, I cannot love you.

I gave it all. You took it all. You spit in my face.

I loved you no longer.

Poem: Nothing left

My heart

Ripped to shreds

By words you said

Now our love is dead

My spirit

Beaten and bruised

Feeling so used

The result of abuse

My body

Weary and weak

Becoming deplete

It’s food I seek

Nothing left

You’ve taken it all

The cause of my fall

Now I am your thrall

Mercy please

I cannot continue

To endlessly serve you

I need to begin anew

Free me

Unchain these bonds

My freedom is gone

From all that was done