I thought it would be Different

I thought it would be different

That we would be content

And no longer would we resent

When we said I do

I figured we’d be better

Happier than ever

Always together

When we said I do

I thought you’d no longer

Say hurtful things in anger

And burn us like a fire

When you said I do

I thought it would end

The constant breaks to mend

No more rules you bend

When you said I do

I hoped you’d be devoted

My heart you gently hold it

I would be your chosen

When you said I do

I thought we’d be together

In love with one another

Now and forever

When we said I do

But you never wanted

My love you squandered

My heart you sundered

Till I said I can’t

Poem: I thought I knew

I thought I knew hurt

Then I let you hurt me

I thought I knew betrayal

Then you used me like no other

I thought I knew deceit

Then you lied like you love it

I thought I knew monsters

Then your mask fell away

I thought I knew bondage

Then you locked me in a cage

I thought I knew despair

Then you threw me to the abyss

I thought that you loved me

But there is no love in you

I thought I was living

But you killed my spirit

I thought you were my partner

But you never cared about me

I thought I had a relationship

I was trapped in a nightmare

Chaos

I recently was thrown into absolute chaos. My world was/is collapsing around me. It is terrifying. Few things seem more frightening than the realization that you are not only not in control but that things may implode and you are powerless to stop it. The most frustrating thing to me is that I went through what I thought was the absolute worst year of my life already 5 years ago. It was difficult to imagine things being worse. Perhaps they aren’t, but they seem pretty bad. Through it all, I have to maintain for others. It isn’t easy and I reached a point a week or so ago during which I wasn’t sure if others could count on me to be strong. I learned however to take things a day at a time and I somehow stumbled along and got myself to a place where at least I’m writing again. That is usually a sign that I can cope. Few things feel more hopeless than feeling so weighted down that I cannot breathe and even the things I would normally do to dig my way out of it seem like a waste of time. I literally sat with my computer in front of me, my ipad up, my phone out, trying to will myself to express how I felt, trying to write in order to process my feelings, but I couldn’t. Nothing would come. I couldn’t formulate thoughts. I couldn’t process my feelings. I was lost. And feeling lost is miserable.

How did I get out? I went searching for answers. I found them and while the answers hurt me further, it was still better than not knowing. Now with the clarity that I have, though I still am not entirely sure the nature of the betrayal committed against me, I can make decisions. That is always difficult as well. Often time the mind knows the answer and the heart lingers on. I am a hopeful person and I prefer joy to pain like anyone, but in this instance it is especially difficult because my heart really wants the happily ever after. Alas, there isn’t one in this story. This chapter of my life is one of treachery, betrayal and hurt. Lies and deceit and vicious attacks left me wounded. I will ever bear the marks of this chapter but I will and have learned from it and grown as a result. That’s all I can do sometimes. And honestly, this will allow me more time to focus on me, focus on writing and pursue my dreams and passions.

Hopefully I have a grip on the chaos. Hopefully the eye of the storm has passed and I will see the warm rays of the sun once more soon. Until then…cheers.

Poem: Who?

Who’s wishing you goodnight?

Who’s bidding you good morning?

Who’s checking in on you to

Make sure you are all right?

Who’s messaging you all day?

Who’s making you laugh?

Who’s getting pictures of you

Lounging in your bath?

Who’s texts are you hiding?

Who’s calls you take in secret?

Who’s getting your love

And affection more frequent?

Who’s comparing do you prefer?

So much more than mine?

Who’s smiling across the table

As you pour some more wine?

I used to be The Who.

That you chose to love always.

Always ended so quickly

It’s left me in a daze.

Poem: Empty

Like a desert dry and desolate.

My soul anguishes indefinite.

A plaything for your endless torment.

You could save my spirit make me whole.

Yet you make my suffering your goal.

Forever devouring my soul.

I can endure no more of this pain.

I beg, do not punish me again.

I’m dead inside, now you can refrain.

Korn Somebody, Someone

I love strong lyrics in songs. Been listening to this and letting the anger flow just like in my youth. Feels great. The lyrics are poetry, filled with hurt and pain.

I can’t stand to let you win

I’m just watching you

And I don’t know what to do

Feeling like a fool inside

Feeling all the love you hide

Thought you were my friend

Seems it never ends

I need somebody, someone

Can somebody help me?

All I need is some pain

Not just for me

Giving you with this and that

Giving gave nothing back

It’s all related to

All the things I do

Feeling like a fool inside

Seeing all the things you tried

I am nothing

I need somebody, someone

Can somebody help me?

All I need is some pain

Not just for me

I look, I sign

I need someone

Inside to help me out

With what

I’m trying

I’m crying

I’m frying

In a pile of

Shit

I’m dying

I’m dying

I’m dying

I need somebody, someone, somebody, somebody, someone

I need somebody, someone, somebody, somebody, someone

Someone

Songwriters: Brian Welch / David Randall Silveria / James Christian Shaffer / Jonathan Howsman Davis / Reginald Arvizu

Somebody Someone lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management US, LLC

Poem: Dry

The well is dry

but still you try

To draw some more from me

My spirit is drained

My body is strained

But Still you’re unhappy

Demanding I love

Your always above

Pushing me lower still

Perched on my shoulders

As I move boulders

And you keep complaining

Talking more shit

My soul you hit

Wounding me deeply

Then tossing me crumbs

My soul is numb

From the constant pain

No more I can give

To this relationship sive

You are never satisfied

Please remove the knife

While I still have life

And maybe I can heal

Poem: Whole Again

Born into the abyss.

Used to the crisis.

Made to carry burdens.

And hide them with curtains.

To cover the abuse.

While still being used.

Crawled from the hole.

With living well the goal.

But left something inside.

Couldn’t continue if I tried.

So dove back down deep.

Redemption is what I seek.

I dwelled there in pure pain.

Knowing in the end I would gain.

What I lost as a young boy.

When abuse stole my joy.

Grown now I could save.

A young me from the cave.

In order to be whole again.

And atone for ancestors’ sin.

But now there is nothing more.

It is time to leave, close the door.

I’m too strong to take it.

Too healthy for more shit.

If you need me I’ll be here.

With no more pain, no more fear.

In order to be whole again.