Just Hold On

Suicide prevention month. Many people struggle. No one has to give up. Hold on.

Some days, it’s all you can do to hold on.

Some days, there is far too much do, and that means there will be far too much to do tomorrow, and the next day and the next, and you’ll keep telling yourself you’ll catch up when you get a chance, but you know by the time you get a minute that you could use to try to catch up on all the things that didn’t get done, you’ll be far too tired to do them. Just hold on.

Some days, as much as you love your kids, they keep fighting with each other, and they keep yelling, or they don’t get done what you asked them to do a million times, and now there is more for you to do, and even though you get frustrated and yell they still don’t do it, and then you feel bad for yelling, but you can’t think of what else to do. Just hold on.

Some days, you’re fighting with your spouse, and you feel like they just don’t understand, and if they only supported you a little more maybe you could get on top of the situation, but they just add to it because they’re stressed out too, and you don’t feel connected any more, and you can’t remember the last time the two of you spend real time together because it’s nothing but work and kids then kids and work, and so you don’t feel love like you once did, but you also don’t want to start over because who wants to start over, and you don’t think you could do it all alone anyways. Just hold on.

Some days, you have to buy groceries, but you know you have no money in the account, and there are bills due that you don’t have money for, and you keep adding to the credit card, but how long can you do that before there is no more room, and then you have no more options but declare bankruptcy because you simply don’t have enough money, but you won’t have more money then, and you’ll have even worse credit so how will you get anything at that point. Just hold on.

Some days, you just need some sleep, but your body aches and when you try to lay down one of your kids calls you, because they decided they needed something, and can’t consider whether you are able to give more to them at that moment, but you get up anyways wondering if you fell asleep at all, and try to help them deal with whatever minor issue they were having, and now you’re awake again, and you lay there staring up at the ceiling while you wonder when the last time you had a good night’s sleep was. Just hold on.

Some days, you go to work because you have to go to work, but you really don’t like your job, and your boss is not interested in why you’re so tired, or why you didn’t complete the project on time, and he isn’t interested in giving you a raise, and won’t let you leave so you can go pick up your kid from school when she went to the nurses office because she’s sick and threw-up during recess, and callously reminds you that you can quit if you don’t like it, but you really can’t quit. Just hold on.

Some days, your child is struggling in school and is acting up, and the teacher requests a meeting with you, and you really don’t have time to go to school during the day, but you make it happen, and then the teacher tells you that your child is not meeting the standards, and that as his parent, you need to do more at home, and make sure he is completing his homework every night, and also read to him for twenty minutes every night so that his reading level will improve, but you don’t even have twenty minutes to do much of anything, let alone read. Just hold on.

Some days, people in your family want to tell you how well they’re doing, and then when they ask you, and you tell them you’re struggling, they want to ask why you married him or her in the first place, or why you had so many kids, or why didn’t you pursue such-and-such career instead, or why didn’t you invest in such-and-such, when you didn’t need to know what you should have done instead, you only needed someone to be loving and supportive, but now you wish you just lied, or worse, you really resent your own life because of what someone else thinks about it. Just hold on.

Some days, the whole world seems like it is crashing down on top of you, and you don’t think you are going to survive, but if you don’t stay strong, others will suffer, and if you give up it feels like a failure, and you don’t want to be a failure, so you think if you can just hold on a little longer it will get better, but you don’t really see how that will happen, and you know you should have a plan, but really all you can do is try to make it through one day at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time, and you truly do resent your life, and the choices you made, and you should have done better, or worked harder, or waited longer, but you did what you thought was best at the time, and sometimes you flat out made a mistake, but there’s nothing you can do about it now but keep trying. Just hold on.

Just hold on. I don’t know if things will get better, but I know if you don’t hold on, you’ll never know how great things can be.

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