Letter C, I can’t stand you. You are so fake and so empty. You add nothing to the alphabet and you’re so dependent on other letters to do your job. You make me cringe.

Letter C. You are a fake. A poser. A lie. You make no sound that other letters don’t already make. You have no uniqueness; no originality. You are a copycat. In words like ‘care’ or ‘cargo,’ you stole the job from K. Why would we let you pretend to be equal to the mighty K in fantastic words like ‘craving’ or ‘creator?’ Did K consent to being usurped by you? Did you in fact conspire to take her glory? You callous, careless, crass cast about for purpose.

When your not busy moonlighting as the letter K, you pretend you’re as sexy as C.

Do you really feel sophisticated when you spell out ‘city’ or ‘cymbal?’ You’re really a freak that belongs in the circus with your non-unique ways always pretending to be something you’re not. Certainly we could spell ‘circle’ without you and we could still enjoy ‘celery’ if you never existed. You’re as shifty and creepy as a centipede with your sound stealing ways.

Yet you want credit for being paired with H to make a sound? Is that all you’re good for? Changing letters to create challenging spellings? Get a life C! You can’t pretend you matter just because children ride choo choo trains and frat boys chant ‘chug’ when channeling beverages down their throats to the cheers of their chums.

Then you literally have the audacity to bully H into making the ‘sh’ sound in words like ‘chivalry’ and ‘chef.’ Have you no shame? I want to toss you down the garbage chute and rage against the machine that ever let you parachute into the alphabet.

You have no place, C. You’re a fraud, a phony and a fake. I curse your creation and I cast a confounded eye in your corner.