Ok, Ok, so I don’t normally do this because reviewing things is not really my deal, but maybe it should be. It can be hilarious (I’m trying to translate my humor into writing) and useful for developing as a story teller. Besides, it’s also fun to see people react over someone else’s opinion. I’m not looking to be a professional troll or anything, just trying out something new.

So, Bird Box. Sandra Bullock was amazing. She always is so that isn’t a surprise. She was almost the only good thing about the movie. Yes some of the cinematography was good. Some of the other acting was good (I could watch John Malkovich all day). The main initiating conflict was very compelling. But after that, the story does not hold up and really just didn’t work. My biggest problems with the movie were that the character development was almost non existent except for Bullock’s character, the climax created more questions than provided answers and besides that they did not explain a lot of things along the way.

Before I spew hatred of the movie no doubt swelling from some deep wound I carry, let me say that the whole not naming the kids thing was kinda clever and her issue over whether to have a kid or not was interesting. I liked the juxtaposition of her considering giving up her own baby to now carrying for two children. Ok, now to being petty.

My first issue was the clear lack of character development. They literally introduced characters that just disappeared and no one said anything about it. We never knew who they were or what they were about and then they were gone. Even Bullock’s character could have been deeper. But her man? Who was he and what was his motivation besides sleeping with Bullock during an apocalyptic event. If you’re character is going to hit on a pregnant woman surrounded by chaos and death, you need to explain why. It was strange. Multiple characters just vanished. In a thriller it is probably more difficult than in other genres but it is still important. I literally recall watching From Dusk till Dawn and in the middle of an apocalyptic event we got background on characters who remained. The screen writers may have written those scenes in and perhaps they were cut but regardless of the excuse, there was a huge hole when it came to characters.

Another problem was the number of unanswered questions along the way. We never really got a sense of what the hell they saw except that there was some sort of hallucination or something that caused people to harm themselves. Who were “they?” You could get away with leaving that a mystery as sometimes the unknown is more frightening but why were there people who weren’t affected exactly? They were crazy? But why would that matter? And why would they serve “them?” And where were the other blind people the whole time? Blind people don’t all live in one remote location away from everyone else. They could have been super helpful the entire time. Where was Daredevil when you need him!?!?

The climax. I’m not sure if the end of Bird Box is anything like faking an orgasm just to end the event but it sure felt unsatisfying. They are safe? But how? It appeared that “they” were still there but somehow the blind people helped the non blind people not get tricked into looking? And how are they sustaining the entire compound? And everyone knows that in an apocalyptic event it will get very violent and the search for supplies will become life and death, but a community of mostly blind people are guarding all their supplies from predatory survivors? It’s a stretch. And why the hell would someone build a blind school in the middle of no-where accessible only by traversing rapids? Did the blind people row down the rapids to get there? It just didn’t add up and I was personally left with a ton of questions (obviously).

So the movie was a bit weak. I’m curious why it is crushing it so hard on Netflix. Maybe it is the Furby effect or something and the hype is generating the popularity in the first place because I was personally disappointed and based on memes and other posts I’ve seen I wasn’t the only one.

Again, Sandra Bullock was great but she was basically carrying the movie alone. That said, I’m really glad they made this movie because the meme’s have been fantastic and since that basically all we (myself included) value in 2019, it was basically a masterpiece for that reason alone.

Other things about the movie that bothered me:

Bullocks hair looked great in the apocalypse.

Her man was still in fantastic shape five years after the collapse of the world.

How did you keep infants from looking? Did you keep a bag over their heads the whole time from ages 0-5?

Why didn’t John Malcovich manage to break out of the room he was locked in?

The other pregnant chick was super annoying.

Machine Gun Kelly was in it but said basically the same line over and over, smashed then disappeared.

How did she row a boat for 2 days? It’s exhausting.

How were those crazy fools surviving? They didn’t seem to do anything except chase non crazy people, even in the middle of a river.

Never mind…I have to stop, I’m getting mad all over again. I’m going to watch Bio Dome, a real cinematic work of art and go to bed. Goodnight.