Chaos

I recently was thrown into absolute chaos. My world was/is collapsing around me. It is terrifying. Few things seem more frightening than the realization that you are not only not in control but that things may implode and you are powerless to stop it. The most frustrating thing to me is that I went through what I thought was the absolute worst year of my life already 5 years ago. It was difficult to imagine things being worse. Perhaps they aren’t, but they seem pretty bad. Through it all, I have to maintain for others. It isn’t easy and I reached a point a week or so ago during which I wasn’t sure if others could count on me to be strong. I learned however to take things a day at a time and I somehow stumbled along and got myself to a place where at least I’m writing again. That is usually a sign that I can cope. Few things feel more hopeless than feeling so weighted down that I cannot breathe and even the things I would normally do to dig my way out of it seem like a waste of time. I literally sat with my computer in front of me, my ipad up, my phone out, trying to will myself to express how I felt, trying to write in order to process my feelings, but I couldn’t. Nothing would come. I couldn’t formulate thoughts. I couldn’t process my feelings. I was lost. And feeling lost is miserable.

How did I get out? I went searching for answers. I found them and while the answers hurt me further, it was still better than not knowing. Now with the clarity that I have, though I still am not entirely sure the nature of the betrayal committed against me, I can make decisions. That is always difficult as well. Often time the mind knows the answer and the heart lingers on. I am a hopeful person and I prefer joy to pain like anyone, but in this instance it is especially difficult because my heart really wants the happily ever after. Alas, there isn’t one in this story. This chapter of my life is one of treachery, betrayal and hurt. Lies and deceit and vicious attacks left me wounded. I will ever bear the marks of this chapter but I will and have learned from it and grown as a result. That’s all I can do sometimes. And honestly, this will allow me more time to focus on me, focus on writing and pursue my dreams and passions.

Hopefully I have a grip on the chaos. Hopefully the eye of the storm has passed and I will see the warm rays of the sun once more soon. Until then…cheers.

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